Case study in commitment

A month ago Jack arrived for counselling with a lot of anger about his girlfriend, Erin and the fact that he could not please her and that her demands on him seemed very high. We worked through his low self-esteem issues and his history of people pleasing to earn acceptance. Erin says she loves him and wants to get back together. Jack says he is ready to try again. We now start rebuilding the relationship, but first Jack has to be clear about what he wants and how to build his confidence to get it.
Jack is anxious about starting this experience, but he is prepared to try.
The goal for Jack is as follows:
1. Have a goal to have a better relationship over the next three months. Write down what that might look like.
2. Using forgiveness [see below] Firstly, get rid of any resentment for Erin’s past behavior and your shame for giving up on the relationship.
3. You need hope to get there. [see below] 4. You need peace and to suffer and grow. [see below] 5. You need how to learn to accept and to freely give. [see below] All of the above will build character, so nothing will be wasted by trying.
The first step is to have courage to try.

The golden rule in Cognitive Principle Therapy is:

-When it is positive, then it is taken personally
-When it is negative, then it is treated as a behavioral problem.

We will work with the following five groups of principles over the next three months.

1. Negative Concerns: These are negative and taken personally
Paranoid fear-Rage-Rejection-Panic
2. Negative Principles: These are negative, but behavioral
Fear-Anger-Critical-Anxiety
3. Influencing Principles: These are positive and behavioral
Courage-assertiveness-evaluation-self control
4. Relationship Principles: These are positive and personal
Trust-Respect-Acceptance-Commitment.

5. Spiritual principles: These are used to neutralize negative principles or promote positive principles.
There are six spiritual principles which if used correctly will move you out of your anxiety and into a more peaceful relationship.
• Use forgiveness to overcome negative concerns, which are taken personally. Split the person from their behavior, and forgive the person.

• Use hope when your pathway out of the problem is blocked or you don’t have a pathway. Hope is based on trusting your intuition.
Paranoid fear—-Rage—-Rejection——Panic
to——————-to———to————-to
Fear—————Anger—–Critical——Anxiety

• Use peace to overcome negative principles. Sit with fear, anger, anxiety and accept it with no responsibility to fix it. Peace kills both rumination and worry.

• Use suffering to grow influencing principles. Eg. Suffer and grow assertiveness, rather than go into rage and abuse the person. Suffering is based on acceptance, if you suffer with influence. However, if you suffer with concern, you will blame the other person or yourself and go backwards to negative concerns.
Fear———–Anger———- Critical——-Anxiety
to————–to—————–to————–to
Courage—Assertiveness—–Evaluation—-Self control

• Use Unconditional Acceptance. Accepting everything that as within your rules and boundaries related to trust, respect, acceptance and commitment. Accept with courage, assertiveness, evaluation and self-control.

• Use Unconditional Giving. Give without expecting anything back, but know your rules, boundaries and consequences. Give trust, respect, acceptance and commitment.
Courage—Assertiveness—-Evaluation——Self control
to————to——————to—————-to
Trust———-Respect——-Acceptance—–Commitment.

You will learn to develop good communication skills by understanding and applying those to the five levels of principles as discussed above:
Level 1 [Negative concerns] Communication based on arguments about negative comparative thinking and trying for a win/loose outcome. Sometimes this can deteriorate into abuse when things are taken personally and made personal. The spiritual principle of hope and forgiveness will move you to level 2.

Level 2 [Negative principles] Communication is based on discussion with both parties trying to get the other party to agree with them. Sometimes this can deteriorate into an argument. The spiritual principle of peace and suffering will move you to level 3.

Level 3. [Influencing principles] Communication based on respectfully listening to each others point of view and trying to find the best outcome. Sometimes this can deteriorate into discussion. The spiritual principle of unconditional acceptance will move you to level 4.

Level 4 [Relationship principles]Communication based on a dialog approach, but as it progresses then higher levels of empathy are reached. An agreed outcome is based on mutual benefit. The spiritual principle of unconditional giving will move you to level 5.

Level 5. [Spiritual principles] Communication based on bonding with both parties give up their needs in support of the other party after using dialog and empathy to arrive at an outcome. At this level the body releases the feel good chemical oxytocin.

In cognitive principle therapy rules, boundaries and consequences can be built around relationship principles and negative principles. Jack will learn to set rules, boundaries and consequences with Erin by:

1. Establishing relationship rules, boundaries and consequences around trust, respect, acceptance and commitment.
eg. Commitment- Ensure that the relationship is balanced around commitment to each other.
Acceptance- Ensure acceptance is built on agreed values.
2. Establishing rules, boundaries and consequences around negative principles.
Eg. If we are fearful, angry or critical about each others behavior, then we will discuss this, but at a behavioral level and not make it personal or take it personally.
3. We will try to establish rules, boundaries and consequences using a level 4 Communication, that is, a dialog, aiming to get the best solutions for the partnership and not the individual. If we can not agree, then we will accept that we have different views on the subject.

Each week we will work through these principles together and apply them as circumstances arise. This is not a plan, but a set of tools to apply. There is no comparison, no judgment about progress, just an experience over a three month time period.
Jack’s journey begins today.