Domestic violence-a different approach

Teaching principles to stop domestic violence.

In cognitive principle therapy we work on changing principles rather than behaviors. Principles can be either positive or negative and always proceed behavior.

What causes domestic violence?

When domestic violence occurs the three primary negative principles (emotions) aren’t doing their job, and have combined to create revenge which is an instinctive response.
The three primary emotions and their purpose are:
The purpose of fear is to provide a warning that your boundary is being or may be threatened. That is, someone is threatening your physical, emotional, mental or your spiritual needs. Eg. I fear this person is trying to take advantage of me.
The purpose of anger is to respond to the fact that your boundary has been broken. That is someone is physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritual threatening you. Eg This person is wanting to take away my freedom and control me so I have to stop them now.
The purpose of sadness, is to grief over the damaged caused after your boundary was broken. That is, the hurt you feel after someone has physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually hurt you. Eg I feel hurt that I can no longer trust this person to put me first.
When a severe emotional trigger such as fear, anger or hurt arises, then in the first quarter of a second the reptilian brain is activated and the conscious brain is shut off. The reptilian brain is a patterning system processing at 40 million plus bits per second and if fear joins with both anger and hurt during the processing, the instinct of revenge follows. This is when domestic violence occurs. Eg. The person feels that my trust is broken and they have hurt me, I have to show them they can’t do this to me, they have to be hurt more than they have hurt me, so they learn not to hurt me again.

The person with domestic violence needs to be reprogrammed. There are different types of anger which may present in domestic violence and these need to be identified and worked on.

The seven areas that need to be reprogrammed with the client who displays domestic violence.

1. Teach the principle of respect.

A person displaying domestic violence lacks respect, both for themselves and others. The lack of respect is because they are not aware or cannot follow the correct behavior to earn respect.

• Create a new program based on the golden rule, which is when triggers are positive, they are taken personally. But when they are negative they are treated as behavioral and not taken personally.
The client must understand that consequences punish behavior, not the person. That when the client displays good behavior they are respected. Also, that rules and boundaries are used to teach correct behavior and not to control the person.
If the client is taught this principle then the client will readily understand the simple difference between aggressiveness and assertiveness, which is:
Aggression attacks the person.
Assertiveness attacks the behavior.
The client has to understand they don’t have to change their personality or their emotions, just where they focus it. However, it is not they who determine if it is personal or behavioral, but the recipient of their attack. The client may feel it is behavioral, but the person whose behavior which is being attacked may take it personally, in which case they have to stop when they are aware of this.

2. Develop awareness

• Awareness that the negative emotional trigger is present.
• Awareness that fear is present and what its purpose is.
• Awareness that anger is present and what its purpose is.
• Awareness that hurt is present and what its purpose is.

3. Stop rumination

• Understand that fear, anger and sadness can only join together when rumination occurs. Rumination generates negative energy that joins the three primary negative emotions. In cognitive principle therapy we use impulse control and mantras (eg. count 1 to 5 and say stop thinking) to prevent rumination.

4. Change core thinking.

• Get to the core beliefs which trigger the negative emotional responses and challenge those until they change.
Clients have to understand that emotions control behavior in the short term, but core beliefs control behavior in the long term. Most clients are aware of their current thoughts, but not their underlying core beliefs.
The following false core beliefs cause domestic violence:
1. Manipulative Anger:
Controlling others to get your own needs met, without considering the needs of others.
Emotion: Fear converted to fantasy, combined with anger and being critical.
Reasons: Fear of loosing control and being exposed as a fraud or feeling grossly inadequate.

2. Chronic Verbal Anger:
Controlling others emotions and behavior to get your own needs met, without considering the needs of others.
Emotion: Paranoid Fear combined with anger and being critical.
Reasons: Fear of not being in control and loosing sense of identity.
3. Explosive Anger:
Anger rises quickly, even over small issues, but falls equally quickly.
Emotions: Anger mixed with being critical.
Reasons: Habitual anger, learned behavior to release frustrations and get needs met. Impulsive personality.
4. Displaced Anger:
Feels anger but blames someone else.
Emotions: Anger mixed with being critical.
Reasons: Habitual anger, wants to be assertive, but can’t.
5. Habitual Anger
Habitually follows the anger cycle which is, lack of respect, frustration, anger and or abuse.
Emotions: Anger mixed being critical.
Reasons: Habitual behavior with no awareness or education of an alternative to anger. There is a lack of evaluation, self control and commitment to fix the problem.
6. Addictive Anger
Habitually flows the anger cycle of lack of respect, frustration, anger and or abuse. However, also derives a lot of emotional energy from the anger.
Emotions: Anger mixed with any other negative emotion required.
Reasons: Habitual behavior, but addictive because of the feeling of control that anger provides that no other emotion can match.
7. Moral Anger [Can escalate into Hate based Anger]
Gets angry whenever there is injustice being done.
Emotions: Anger mixed with being critical and a fear of loosing control and being hurt.
Reasons: Habitual behavior, based on excessive pride and self-centeredness in their values and judgments or the opposite, which is feelings of inadequacy, rejection and shame.
NOTE: Moral anger is very common in domestic violence, because injustice and revenge and closely linked emotions.

8. Paranoid Anger
Fear that others are attacking them, when they are not. They don’t realize their own fear is projected onto others.
Emotions: Anger combined with paranoid fear, rejection of self and others or anxiousness turning into panic.
Reasons: Do not trust themselves or anyone else.
NOTE: Paranoid anger is more related to the principle of trust, than respect. It is very common in domestic violence caused by jealousy. Jealousy and revenge are closely linked emotions. This type of anger is treated differently to lack of respect based anger.

9. Shame-Based Anger
Gets angry and lashes out at others who criticize them or ignores them.
Emotions: Anger mixed with fear and guilt leading into shame.
Reason: Their rumination cycle is so great that they are constantly criticizing themselves, so that when someone else criticizes them they take it personally, even when it is not.
10. Overwhelmed Anger
Gets angry and lashes out at others when they feel overwhelmed by stress
Emotions: Anger mixed with fear and anxiousness leading into panic.
Reason: Their rumination cycle is so great that they are constantly feeling under pressure to perform and feel someone or something is deliberately working against them.

11. Retaliatory Anger:
Anger arising out of resentment for feeling hurt, requiring the other person to be hurt to the same degree or more.
Emotions: Anger mixed with fear and sadness at being hurt.
Reasons: Habitual anger, requiring justice to be seen to be done, so that the person doesn’t feel they have been taken advantage of.
NOTE: Most domestic violence involves various combinations of the above types of anger, but they normally all involve retaliatory anger. The exception to that is:

Deliberate Anger:
Controlling others to get your own needs met, without considering the needs of others.
Emotion: Greedy and self-centered. Not driven by negative emotions.
Reasons: Strategy to get needs met. Manipulative control by self.
Deliberate anger can normally only be dealt with through consequences, because it is very difficult to change the behavior of someone who is doesn’t want to change.

5. Develop alternative strategies

• Develop alternative behavioral strategies to divert the attention aware from the negative emotional triggers.

6. Teach the purpose of negative emotions

• Create a new program showing the correct response to each of the primary emotions, namely:
Move from fear to courage
Move from anger to assertiveness
Move from hurt to self-control
• Learn that there are four other negative emotions which role is to fix broken boundaries in place of revenge, which breaks somebody else’s boundary. These are:
The first is being critical of those responsible for breaking the boundary. If you were responsible for the boundary being broken then you will feel guilt. If you are unsure how to repair the boundary, then you will feel confused and or anxious. Eg. I’m angry at myself for reacting to this person and I feel guilty and confused with my bad behavior. I am anxious about my ability to learn to control my impulses.

7. Teach how to move from negative emotions to positive emotions

• Create a new program showing the correct response to each of the primary emotions, namely:
Move from fear to courage to trust
Move from anger to assertiveness to respect
Move from hurt to self-control to commitment
The above processes will work if the person causing the domestic violence wants to change. Otherwise, escalating consequences have to be used.

WHEN DEALING WITH A DOMESTICALLY VIOLENT PERSON

Do not do the following:

When domestic violence is occurring don’t use logic to try to stop the person, because the conscious mind is not working and there is no logic in the reptilian brain.
Do not make the situation more personal by blaming the person causing the domestic violence. This increases their rumination and makes things worse.

What to do?

Safety always is the first option. Do what ever is possible to divert the person’s attention while you remove yourself from the situation.
Remember, all negative behaviors must operate within the safety of rules, boundaries and consequences. When the domestic violent person has calmed down, then someone with authority has to make them aware of their consequences and carry those out.